I often feel that I am in a holding pattern. I do not know where God is leading me. I have seen and done some pretty amazing things in my life and have been so blessed! With a beautiful family, genuine friends, and many creature comforts I have much to be thankful for! And I know my final destination is heaven but in the sense of a vocation…I do not know.
This past Saturday I ran and completed my first (and as far as I have planned, ONLY!) marathon (insert trumpets blaring). Such an amazing feeling of accomplishment! So much hard work. Time devoted, early rising, events missed or rearranged to allow time to train. And not to mention the fears a recent injury caused me! But when it is all said and done, even discounting the aches and pains experienced during and after the race, it was worth it. There is no let down. No feeling of, "now what?" Rather I feel happy with myself and perfectly content to go back to half marathons or 5k races…whatever comes. It is a moment I am grateful to have been given and feel no need to relive.
I like this feeling. I don't like to finish something only to feel empty, to feel "Is this all there is?" or "That was it?" Too often accomplishments in life lead to that feeling. I have had it before. That feeling of "What next?" Almost a lost, directionless sensation…one that can lead to depression or despair. When I finished grad school and landed a great job in a fast-paced environment I felt that way. I wondered what was next. What if this was it?
But the more I thought and prayed, the more I began to wonder, "What if this is not all He wills? Does God work in restlessness?" The desire for something more…if I was content with the little I was given, would I continue to reach out to others? To reach out to God? Is it wrong to want more than what we have been given? No, this cannot be true. Otherwise why would Jesus tell us to ask God for good things?
Which leads me to think that it isn't in wanting but rather in what we want. When I look at this desire I find myself asking, will it only lead me to another round of discontent? Am I willing to accept with a peaceful heart if this prayer is not directly answered? If God never answers this prayer, if He never fulfills this desire, can I be happy?
Honestly I have come to the conclusion that I can only wait and trust God. Hence, the holding pattern. And since I'm trusting, I have to have absolute faith that He knows exactly what He is doing. That this is exactly where God wants me and that He won't let someone who is searching for His will go astray.